


Loops

by PokeeArt



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King, IT Chapter Two - Fandom
Genre: Blood and Gore, But final chap is the outline so not totally unfinished, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, I break it before I fix it, M/M, Multi Chapter, Period-Typical Homophobia, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, Unfinished, more like not totally written lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-01-21 01:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21291413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PokeeArt/pseuds/PokeeArt
Summary: Richie floats, several staggering feet off the ground, Pennywise the fucking clown opened mouthed and leaning toward Richie. Eddie’s world tilts, waves recede and he’s moving without thought.He does have a couple thoughts, but they’re mostly,if you believe it doesandyou’re braver than you thinkandnot him you fucker.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 40
Kudos: 206





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> chapter one of this sneaky little idea snake that crawled into my head
> 
> trigger warnings: eddie has some negative thoughts about himself, depictions of blood and slight gore

The shock of fighting an evil space clown, not once but twice, hadn’t faded from Eddie’s mind. Even through Bill’s emotional speech from both times and them all being attacked in Nebolt, it was there. A tingle pulsing in and out of his mind. And if Eddie was honest it wasn’t just shock.

The tidal wave of static fear that plastered him to the wall and unable to do anything as the fucking bug spider head of Stan came so close to chomping off Richie’s nose. The drop of his stomach and spirit as reality flushed back in. Bill yelling at him and the tears trying to push past his eyelashes. 

“Don’t be mad Bill, I was just scared.” Claiming it was shock was just to try and be brave. And everyone here knew that wasn’t true.

Eddie Kaspbrak isn’t brave. Eddie Kaspbrak is frail, is soft, is sick.

The static fear doesn’t go away. It really never did, just slept inside him for years, occasionally spiking before falling back into hibernation. He feels like the dirt and grime on the wall of this stupid crackhouse. He feels like nothing and it hurts.

Richie tells him he’s braver than he thinks. Eddie wants to tell Richie the truth, he’s not but god if Richie just kept looking at him like that maybe he could be. He thanks him instead and grips the iron spike Bev gave him, a silent promise to be what Richie thinks of him.

He got his chance not much later.

Richie floats, several staggering feet off the ground, Pennywise the fucking clown opened mouthed and leaning toward Richie. Eddie’s world tilts, waves recede and he’s moving without thought.

He does have a couple thoughts, but they’re mostly, _if you believe it does_ and _you’re braver than you think_ and _not him you fucker_.

The iron spike sails out of his hand and spears straight into the fucking clowns mouth. He gurgles, lava like blood spilling from his jowls. He jerks away and tumbles back into the crown of rocks, letting out a shriek that shakes the cavern.

Eddie sees Richie drop like a stone and rushes over. He kneels over his fallen friend the second he’s close enough. Richie blinks up at him, shocked and disoriented. He laughs, bending closer, and shouts, “I think I killed It!” 

The static fear is gone and replaced with warmth and Richie’s wide eyes and horribly giant lens and Eddie grins.

“Richie, I did it! I killed-”

Blood splatters across Richie’s face and Eddie gasps. There’s so much blood. It’s on Richie. It’s on him. It is him, he realizes, looking down at the claw poking through his chest. It’s his blood all over.

He chokes out Richie’s name, the crushing reality dawning on him, before he’s moving through the air. He can’t even scream, the claw is in so deep, curled right up against his lungs, as he’s waved around like a puppet.

Distantly he thinks he hears other people screaming. Things start to fizzle out of focus and he’s no longer in the air but tossed like garbage down into a cave. He tries to sit up. Blood drops off his stomach like someone had spilled an entire gallon of water on the floor. He gags, eyes rolling back to reject the image before him, and falls back to the ground.

The people’s voices come back into focus. Hands grab and shake and move him. He groans, eyes fluttering open. Someone holds rough cloth against his chest. Richie. There’s still blood, his blood, littering Richie’s face.

He shakily reaches up to wipe it off. Richie leans into his touch, tears and snout and blood, and blabbers on about something. Eddie can’t focus. He’s dying.

It’s strange, to be so afraid of something, to build something up so much, and then experience it.

It hurts. It really fucking hurts. He’s pretty sure part of his intestine is outside of his body. But even so, he’s not scared. He’s not small and sick and flaking into nothing.

He’s not dying like a leper.

The leper. His hands around its neck and squeezing. The rapid pulse beneath his fingernails beating toward a stop. Make him feel small. Choke him out. Get rid of him.

Eddie croaks out a slobbery version of this to his friends. His saving grace, he giggles, as blood dribbles out of his mouth. They have to win.

Richie stays with him. Holds his hand and the jacket to his wound. It’s not helping even if he wanted it too. He gurgles out his best friend's name.

Richie hiccups, draws even closer, ducking his head. They’re so close. But never close enough. Never enough.

“I fucked your mom.”

And he laughs and laughs. Because Richie’s shocked face is too much. Blood pours out of his mouth and he knows he’s done. That this is it for him.

He hopes Richie gets it. Or else his final fucking words are going to be stupid as hell. Stan won’t let him live it down.

Richie’s crying and as much as Eddie wants to comfort him, he’s done with lying, so he just tries to smile and keep his eyes focused to soak in as much of Richie as possible.

Eventually Richie has to go, has to fight, has to win. Eddie can’t watch him go, eyes no longer working, and gurgles on his own blood as his being leaves his body.

He hopes they win. He needs them to win. They’ll win.

_If you believe it does_

_You’re braver than you think_

_You were right Rich_

Eddie dies as the rest of the losers spit and break and defeat the fucking clown that tormented them their whole lives.

Eddie wakes up in a bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont expect this rapid of an update every time, i didnt have much homework this weekend so i banged this baby out
> 
> trigger warnings: LOTS of blood/gore this time around, mentions of fake illness

Eddie wakes up in a bed. A bed that isn’t his. A bed he probably shouldn’t be on.

He scrambles off of it, noticing the lack of blood on the bed and on himself, and yanks up his shirt.

There’s no spilling intestine or blood or gaping hole in his chest.

_What_

That’s all he really is able to think as his breath stutters out in odds spasms. He’s dying all over again. No air this time. A more ridiculous death than one by clown. Dirt and a claw and blood and aw shit.

His wheezing draws the attention of someone in the hallway. He hadn’t even noticed the door to the bedroom was open.

Seeing Ben rush in, eyes scrunched and worried, sends Eddie to his early grave. This wasn’t possible. He was dead. Ben wasn’t dead, warm hands and hurried worried words as he tried to calm Eddie down. 

Eddie wasn’t getting enough air- did he even need air? He was dead right? _Right?_

Ben effectively gets behind him and murmurs soft about matching his breathing, arms curling protectively, suffocatingly, gently, around his torso. Eddie chokes harder on empty air. His eyes water and he sloppily tries to dig into his pocket, knowing already his inhaler is gone.

Yet his fingers bump into familiar plastic and the room shutters into his recognition. He’s at the only hotel in this shitty small town. The motel they all were staying at. He pulls the inhaler from his pocket and stares at it, heart thundering louder. This can’t be possible. He’s dead. He burned this fucking thing down in the sewers. He died in the fucking sewers.

Ben’s words are lost as Eddie’s world shifts from blind panic to static fear.

His body shakes harder when someone else peers through the doorway. Someone with curly hair and stupidly large lens and a face without his blood on it. Eddie sucked in a breath and held it.

Richie blinked at him from the doorway, taking in the way Ben was all but holding him. “Uh, not that I’m against whatever this is, but what are you guys doing?”

Richie. _Richie_. _Shit I’m alive?_

Eddie’s eyes rolled back into his head and he feels his body drop but not the impact against the floor as he effectively passed out.

Eddie wakes up in a bed. He’s not as freaked out this time. He is freaked out about how once his eyes open there’s five worried faces looming over him.

He screams, letting it all out, and jerks up. Only Bev and Richie scream back in surprise at his actions. Mike and Bill flinch away. Ben rests a hand on his shoulder and tries to shush him.

Eddie bites his lip, scream momentarily cut off. His gaze flutters from loser to loser and come to rest on Richie. “Where- What-” His breath stutters out and he feels the urge to let his eyes roll back into his head again.

Someone shoves a familiar plastic into his hand, as if he’d use something that doesn’t even work, and they all try to say comforting things.

Eddie feels something disgusting and slimey working its way up his throat and he shoves Richie away to vomit over the side of the bed.

“Oh, ew. Eddie you barfed on my shoes!” Richie yelps and stumbles away from the bed. Eddie gurgles and pushes himself in the now open space Richie had occupied. All the losers lurch nervously toward him and he shouts in warning.

He grabs the bedside lamp and holds it out. “Don’t!”

Ben, ever the peacemaker, holds one hand out and softly speaks, “Eddie, it’s okay. You had an asthma attack and passed out.”

“I don’t fucking have asthma!” Eddie screams back, stumbling back into the nearest corner of the room. He can’t rationalize what’s going on. He was dead. He was stabbed. He’d burnt the shitty piece of plastic that anchored him to his pretend illness.

The losers expressions changed quickly at the admission, all of them seemingly remembering the moment he’d told them the truth that summer. How he’d cried and told them he couldn’t go through it again. How they surrounded him and promised they wouldn’t let that happen.

Eddie chokes on a sob, dropping the lamp, and curling into himself. He feels them rush to his side and the tears trickle out.

Richie’s voice is the loudest, “So what, you brought that inhaler to suck on for fun?”

His voice wavers and he sounds like he’s the one who threw up minutes ago but Eddie laughs. Because Richie made a joke. Because Eddie has been given a second chance to hear them.

He reaches out, one hand grabbing Richie through the tangle of bodies, and the other latching onto the person closest, Beverly. He pulls them closer, grinning and crying and trying.

Everybody huddles closer, a parody of a group hug, and soak in the togetherness of it all.

“Eddie, what happened? Did...did you see-?” Mike pulls back slowly, eyes wide and terrified, as he asks.

“No. No. Well, yes but no.” Eddie sniffles, rubbing his snouty face on Bill’s shoulder before the taller man can pull away. He makes a face but huffs fondly. 

“This is gonna sound crazy…”

“Crazier than a fucking space clown?” Richie grumbles, hands resting on either side of Eddie’s ribs.

“I think I died.”

Everyone shares a confused look. Eddie shifts and uses Richie to help himself stand.

“It was right- right here.” He covers the center of his chest, shaking, and pulls his hand back. He almost expects blood to coat it but there’s no red, or gore, or guts.

“You d-died? Like in a d-dre-dream?” Billy asks, biting his lip on his stutters.

“Dream?” Eddie says softly, he hadn’t even thought…”No. It was real. I felt it. It was real.”

Richie not so gently shoves him back to the bed and sits next to him, eyes worried and earnest. Eddie rubs the spot over his chest. “We went to Nebolt. We fought It. I think....I think we won? I don’t- I don’t remember.”

“We won?” Mike asks, voice shaking. He sounds like he desperately wants to believe that but can’t find it in himself to. Eddie nods.

Beverly sits on his other side, runs a hand up his arm, and rubs his back. “It was just a dream honey.”

Eddie turns to her. There’s tears unshed hiding behind her shining eyes. She knows it wasn’t a dream. She just wants to believe it was. 

He sucks in a breath. Holds it. Thinks. 

“Yeah. Yeah, just a dream.” He exhales in a rush. It can be a dream can’t it? He’s gotten this second chance and he can change what needs changing to fix everything before it’s too late. 

He can do it right this time.

Everything plays out the same. It wasn’t a dream. Stan the fucking head spider attacks the second they’re in the house. 

Eddie’s never been a fan of soccer but he knows how to punt correctly. He kicks it as hard as he can off of Richie’s face and out of Bill’s shaking hands.

Stan’s head hits the wall with a wet thud, dropping to the ground. The only noise in the air is all of their harsh breathing.

The other burst through the door, gaining everyone’s attention, before Stan’s head screams and scrambles past them down into the basement, leaking black sludge the entire way. 

Bill helps Richie up and Eddie has to take a second to shove the static fear threatening to take over down.

“Wow, Eds. That was badass.” Richie says, looking starstruck, and Eddie flushes at his tone. _You’re braver than you think_.

“Yeah whatever.” He grumbles and motions to the doorway and they’re all off again. 

They go down into the sewer. Beverly gifts him the iron spike. _If you believe it does_. They do the ritual.

It doesn’t work this time either.

But that’s okay because Eddie knows how this goes.

He throws the iron spike into the gaping mouth of Pennywise and doesn’t bother this time around to watch the clown fall. He’s on Richie the second the taller man hits the ground.

“Richie, I got him. C’mon. We gotta move, let’s go.” Eddie rants out, words sliding unnaturally off his tongue, as he grips Richie’s jacket, the jacket that cushioned his wound, and pulls the man to his feet.

They’re running to where Bev and Ben are standing when something slices through the air. It tears Richie’s hand from his and drags him forward with the force of it.

Eddie hits the dirt and wheezes. He hears a similar noise in front of him. _Richie_.

He scrambles forward, nails clawing the ground, and gets to Richie. He’s trying again to pull the taller man to his feet when another claw wheels through the air.

He’s able to turn so it doesn’t impale him like last time but it instead hits him and sends him flying to the other side of the cavern.

He doesn’t get the chance to scream as his back hits the rocky wall and something shatters. He falls to the ground and spasms, eyes trying to roll back into his head, static fear washing over and blinding him.

People are screaming. His friends. His friends are screaming. _Richie_.

Eddie rolls over and cries out, spit thick in his mouth, as tears erupt from his eyes. His entire lower back feels like fire, like kindle shuttering under the stench of smoke. He drags himself forward, more tears and shouts leaking from him.

His hands dig into something slick, liquid, and he gags, pulling himself through it. He tries to call out to his friends but their screams drown out anything that slithers weakly out of his mouth.

Someone is on the ground in front of him. Eddie grits his teeth and drags himself over to them. He pushes the pain away the best he can, he’ll be fine, _if you believe it does_, and struggles forward.

He finally gets within reaching distance and grasps the edge of the person jacket, intends to pull himself closer with it, but ends up yanking the person closer to himself. 

Except it’s not a person.

It’s someone’s severed torso. Guts on full display, the edge of their spine pink with blood and gore, bones peeking out from the place where a stomach should have been.

Eddie screams, jerking his hand away, temporarily blinded by tears. He sobs and scoots closer. He needs to know who. Who died this time instead of him. 

He’s half beside the person when he realizes. He’s been fixated on that jacket since he woke up.

The person laying torn in half and alone is Richie.

The scream he lets out this time isn’t one of fear or disgust. His lungs shrivel as he screams himself hoarse. He curls as close to Richie as he can, sobbing and howling.

_Not him you fucker_. _Please_. _Not him_.

_Richie_.

Eddie shoves his face into the dirt and shutters. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to fix it. He killed Richie. He killed them all.

Eddie Kaspbrak isn’t brave. Eddie Kaspbrak is a failure, is sick, is _stupid_.

The rest of the losers screams ring around the cavern as Pennywise no doubt does to them what he did to Richie.

Eddie sobs, tucking his head onto Richie’s unmoving chest, and shivers as pain wraps up his spine. Fuck he’s failed. He made it so much worse.

He closes his eyes and clings to the remains of Richie.

Eddie dies curled up next to the man he’s always called his best friend. A man he wanted to be more.

Eddie wakes up in a bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment and give kudos! Much appropriated! Everyone's support and interest helps keep me interested too.
> 
> again a preface warning, i wont be able to update this quickly much longer, finals are coming up and my brain is mush.   
trigger warning at the end this time cos some of them are a little spoilery!

Eddie wakes up in a bed. A bed he knows this time around is his. He’s at the motel and none of them have set foot into the sewers yet.

It hasn’t shown itself to each of them. There’s still time to change things. To fix it. To make sure Richie is okay.

_Richie_.

Eddie rushes out of his room, bumping into a startled looking Ben, and almost slips on the rug as he turns the corner to Richie’s room.

He doesn’t bother knocking and rips the door open. Richie jerks from his spot where he’s packing his suitcase that’s lying on the bed. Eddie’s eyes water and he lunges across the space between them.

Richie catches him and sputters, “Woah there Eds! You alright? I know I’m quite the catch but there’s no need to swoon.”

And Eddie starts sobbing. Because this isn’t the first second chance he’s been given. Because Richie made a joke. Because Richie is here and alive and making the jokes.

Richie stumbles backward into the bed but Eddie refuses to let go for even a second, hands fisted tight into the jacket he both loves and hates to see. Richie laughs, high and nervous, once he realizes Eddie is crying.

“Hey man, don’t cry. Everything I said yesterday was a joke. You know that right? You don’t gotta cry about it.”

Richie tries to pry Eddie away enough to look at him but the smaller man clings tighter. “Eddie. What’s wrong? Seriously, dude, you’re freaking me out.”

“Richie. Richie. You’re okay. You’re here.” Eddie muffles out, face shoved into the moving, breathing, chest of the taller man. Richie makes a questioning noise from above and tries to pry them apart again.

Eddie allows it but doesn’t remove his hands from their hook hold on the jacket. He meets Richie’s large lens and soft brown eyes and fights back another crying fit. Richie’s eyes soften and he cups the side of Eddie’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay. Breathe. Of course I’m here. You think I’d leave without you?”

Flashes of hands knotted together, blood and guts, pink bones and cracked glasses, all flint across Eddie’s mind. He shakes his head. Clutches tighter.

“No. No, you wouldn’t. I- I wouldn’t. We wouldn’t.”

Richie smiles and drops his hand. “That’s right. Who else will yap my ear off like you Eds?”

Eddie laughs, dropping his hands to give the taller man a playful shove, and grumbles good naturally, “Yeah, yeah trashmouth.”

They stand smiling and soaking in each other’s company when Ben peeks his head in.

“Hey, guys.”

“Haystack!”

Eddie drops his gaze to the floor and vaguely listens as the two men chat. He thinks about what he can change. He needs to make sure Richie lives. He knows the claws will come after them. Maybe he can do something before Richie even gets stuck in the deadlights?

_If you believe it does_ and _make him feel small and all living things must abide by the laws of the shape they inhabit_.

Eddie groans against the tidal wave of a headache as Mike’s words rush to the forefront of his mind. Richie’s hand rests on his shoulder and he looks up. Blinks at Richie’s brown eyes and Ben’s squinted brow.

“I’m gonna say something crazy. You have to promise not to laugh.”

Richie’s face scrunches up and he removes his hand. Ben just nods.

“I’ve lived through us fighting Pennywise once already. I mean, not lived, but uh, I experienced it.”

Ben’s eyes go from willing to skeptical. Richie’s face bunches up more, like he can’t decide what emotion he wants to express.

“T-twice actually. Every time I- I die I wake up back here.”

“What do you mean die?” Richie finally squeaks, stepping closer to Eddie as if some dangerous thing would attack them the moment he mentioned death.

“Twice?” Ben says at the same time.

Eddie shakes his head. “I know it sounds fucking crazy but it’s the truth. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. I- I felt it.”

“Eddie. You died?” Richie says again, hands gripping Eddie’s arms, his voice stronger than before. Almost angry sounding.

“Uh, yeah. The fucking clown man.”

“You know how to stop It?” Ben asks, gently pushing his way into the Richie and Eddie bubble. Richie glares at him for a moment before turning back to the shorter of the three.

“I think so. But...I can’t tell you. If you know it might not work.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Let me finish, Rich. Jeez.” Eddie grumbles, pulling one of Richie’s hands off his arm, and holds it in his hands. “You guys gotta promise to follow my lead when the time comes, okay?”

“How will we know when the time is, dipshit?”

“_Richie,_” Eddie hisses, squeezing his friend's hand tighter, and notices Ben rubbing Richie back. “You trust me right?”

Richie doesn’t hesitate to nod, Ben too. Eddie sighs, slowly letting go of Richie’s hand.

“Then trust me. We’ll win.”

Ben and Richie share a look before nodding again. Ben curls his other arm around Eddie and they’re all locked in a group hug.

Eddie laughs but snuggles into the warm bodies of Richie and Ben.

He closes his eyes and hopes he knows what he’s about to do.

Mike takes them to the treehouse. Tells them they have to separate to get their tokens. Both Richie and Ben look at him anxiously before leaving to get their own. And Eddie heads down into the basement of the pharmacy that was basically a second home for him in his childhood.

Eddie haphazardly stomps past the front desk into the basement and grumbles softly about the dust and muk everywhere. He expects to fight the leper for the third time but what comes lumbering out of the dark isn’t a diseased ridden man. 

It’s Richie.

Eddie knows it’s not really Richie, it’s gotta be the fucking clown, but his mind stutters over static and he’s frozen against the shelf.

Not-Richie zombie steps forward, blood puddling around his mouth and eyes, as he stares lifelessly at Eddie through dirty and cracked glasses. 

Not-Richie is torn open, his left shoulder bone exposed and leaking some kind yellow fluid, his stomach pulsing with his steps, ribs poking out from rotting flesh, and blood, so thick it’s almost black, splattered all over.

Eddie’s breath sputters and whistles like a train horn and he still can’t make himself move. Not-Richie lumbers closer, lips curling in a plastic looking smile, and gurgles out something too softly for him to hear.

But that's okay because Not-Richie throws one mangled hand beside Eddie’s head, effectively cornering the smaller man against the shelf, and repeats his slurred words.

“You did this, Eddie. You killed me.”

Eddie closes his eyes on a sob. He doesn’t want to see this Richie anymore. Can’t stand the blood, the gore, the deadness of it all. He did this to his best friend. This is his fault.

Not-Richie continues, “But you like ‘em torn up don’tcha Eds? First the fuckin leper and now me? Like this?”

Not-Richie slams his other hand on the opposite side of Eddie’s head and leans in to breathe the same air, noses inches apart. “Look at what _you_ did Eddie.”

He shakes his head no, but slimy fingers grip his chin aggressively, and he rips his eyes open. His breath shakes and rattles in his chest but doesn’t escape. Not-Richie grins, dead and ugly, and leans impossibly closer.

He whispers, his chapped peeling lips brushing Eddie’s ear, “I’ll blow you.”

Eddie shutters and shoves weakly at Not-Richie’s chest. Tears are making their way into his eyes and he can’t be blinded by them now, but he’s lost in the ocean of static.

Not-Richie barely moves and just flickers his wet blood coated tongue out, tickling Eddie’s earlobe before continuing, “You’d like that wouldn’t you, girly-boy? I’ll blow you for free. I know I’m your type.”

Eddie snarls at the old forgotten name, slamming his fists against Not-Richie’s mangled torso. “Get the fuck off me!”

“Oh ho! A fighter? I knew you’d be rambunctious in bed, baby.” Not-Richie coos, voice dropping three octaves and sounding more like the clown than Richie. “Kiss me Eddie Spaghetti. I know you want to.”

Eddie screams, throwing himself forward and knocking Not-Richie away from him, and tries to make a break for the stairs.

Not-Richie is fast and grabs his wrist, easily yanking him around, and getting right back into his face.

He howls with laughter, high and echoing, before opening his mouth and dropping a too long tounge out. Sour breath puffs in Eddie’s face and as much as he wants to scream he knows the second he does the tongue will follow.

Not-Richie starts decaying faster, flesh falling off with sick splats, and pulls Eddie closer. “Not such a brave boy now are yah?”

_You’re braver than you think_ pops his fear bubble and rings around his head. 

Eddie Kaspbrak can be brave.

He screams. Not-Richie lunges forward, tongue floundering upwards. Eddie gets his hands around Not-Richie’s neck and continues screaming, even as the too long tongue flips and wiggles across his cheek toward his mouth.

Not-Richie starts shaking and loses his grip on Eddie as the shorter man squeezes tighter and tighter, scream pitched high and angry as he wrings the things neck. The tongue briefly touches his spread lips before dropping weakly off his face.

“FUCK YOU!” He howls, hands red and shaking, but not letting up.

Not-Richie’s eyes roll up into his splintered skull and he makes something akin to a death rattle before going completely boneless. Like literally boneless.

Not-Richie’s flesh slips out of Eddie’s hands and slaps onto the floor with a disgusting wet noise. Eddie gags at the mess and rushes up the stairs.

He slams into the front doors and holds back another scream. The same woman from before says, “Push not pull, dumbass.”

Her familiar words wash over him, overriding the panic, and he turns to her with a no doubt crazed smile. “Oh, thanks!”

And then he’s breathing in fresh Derry air. He wheezes and presses a hand against the side of the building to hold him up.

God that was ten times worse than the leper. That was _Richie_. Maybe not the real Richie but still. It could have been the Richie he killed. The only Richie that would want to do those things with Eddie. Only the half dead wanted to do _that_ with Eddie.

He throws up in the alley beside the pharmacy and almost chokes on his own spit. 

A hand on his back startles him and lashes out. A surprised shout and strong arms wrapping around his own stops the assault.

“J-Jeez Eds! It’s me!”

“Bill?” Eddie blinks and Big Bill comes into focus. He looks worse than he did this morning, probably meaning he’s got his token by now. Eddie notices a shine behind Bill. “Is that-?”

“Hi Oh Silver.” They says together, then grin. Bill helps Eddie stand fully and leads him away from his own sick.

“I found her in an antique shop. I can’t be-believe she’s s-still around.”

“Wow. You remember when you named her? Is the carving still…?” Eddie walks around the rusted bike and finds what he’s looking for. He laughs softly and touches the letters.

“You helped me. With the ca-carving.” Bill murmurs, eyes getting a far away look to them. And then Eddie remembers.

Bill got the bike for his twelfth birthday and had been so excited to show it to Eddie. He drove them around town for hours just to show off how fast she was. She’s the reason Eddie begged his own mother for a bike a couple weeks after.

“Silver,” a young Bill had said, “Her name is Silver.”

“You gotta write it somewhere, Bill. So you know if someone takes her.” a young Eddie had responded, already frightful of the future safety of the bike, “Someone’ll try too. She’s just perfect.”

Bill had looked at him, cryptic and thinking, before he nodded. “Where?”

Eddie eyed the bike. It needed to be somewhere anyone could see it. Where everyone could see it. “Here.” He had gently traced the cool metal with a fingertip, just next to the seat, and Bill nodded again, never a second guess when it came to Eddie’s decisions.

“That’s per-perfect Eddie.” Young Bill says, voice overlapping with Big Bill’s, as Eddie slips back into the present.

Bill blinks then stares at the bike for a long second. He turns to Eddie, blinks, then the biggest grin splits his face. “Let’s r-ride, like we used to.”

Eddie can’t help but grin back.

Silver isn’t nearly as comfortable as she was when they were younger. But it’s not her fault two grown men try to ride her back to the motel. Bill almost crashes three separate times. Eddie just laughs and curls his grip on the back of Bill’s shoulders tighter.

They eventually make it back to the motel. Bill tucks Silver by the front door with care before stumbling inside, Eddie right behind him.

Beverly and Ben are standing by the stairs, chatting quickly and quietly. They stop when Bill approaches and Eddie remembers something important he needs to deal with.

He’s up the stairs as Bill’s stuttered question fills the silent air. Nobody follows him, good.

Henry Bowers is in his room.

Again. 

A quick exchange, Eddie’s cheek Henry’s knife, Henry’s knife shower curtain, shower curtain Henry’s stomach.

Eddie shuffles out of his room and gurgles out a warning cry, a call for help, and hopes he was quick enough that Bill stuck around.

Only Bev and Ben rush up the stairs. Oh, well. He knows how to take it from here.

To the library. To Nebolt. To the sewers.

Eddie let’s Ben stab the fuck out of Stan’s spider head this time around. Bill doesn’t scream at him this time around either. He stomps over to where Eddie is shoved against the wall like a frightened animal and gathers him into his arms. 

Bill holds him like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other and Eddie almost breaks then and there. He wraps his arms around his first friend and holds just as tightly. He never wants to leave the safety of Big Bill’s embrace.

But they have to face the fucking clown eventually.

Eddie decides to wait until he’s sure Pennywise is with them. The ritual happens. They hold hands. Ben and Richie keep sending him anxious looks that he ignores, as the wind picks up around them.

The big balloon pops and there’s Pennywise.

“You fucking clown! Clown!” Eddie yells, voice hoarse and scratchy with the seer force of his anger. Pennywise’s face sours and he pulls himself into his tallest height.

“CLOWN!’’ Eddie screams again, blindly reaching out for Richie, who he knows is near him. A hand connects with his and tangles their fingers together.

“Stupid fucking clown!” rings from his other side and he glances over. Ben, strong sweet Ben, is red faced and pissed looking. “Mimic! Mummy!”

And soon enough everyone else is shouting along with them.

Pennywise shrieks, body lurching and shrinking rapidly. The losers slowly step forward and hurl more insults.

“Motherfucking clown!” Mike roars, stepping closer than the rest of them, eyes wild and alive.

“Clown! Clown! You’re just a stupid clown!”

Pennywise convoles, almost a normal size now, his multiple claw legs splaying out awkwardly.

“Bitch! Stupid clown bitch dumbass fuckin clown shit!” Richie hollers from beside Eddie. He looks away from Pennywise and admires the raw expression on his best friends face. He squeezes Richie’s hand. Richie briefly turns to look at him too.

He’s still looking at Eddie, mouth open a split second before parting, when Eddie’s focus is drawn to the thing moving just behind Richie.

One of Pennywise’s claws arches up, needle fast, and crashes into the closest person. Blood flicks up to the air as the claw slices them vertically.

Beverly screams from her place between Ben and Bill. And Eddie’s mind goes static.

_No. No. Not him. No, please._

Bill’s body hits the ground like thunder. No one speaks. No one moves.

Bill’s vacant eyes stare at them accusingly, empty and blank, except for the blood drying on his cheeks. He’s dead.

A horrid sounding cry rips its way through Eddie as he rushes toward Pennywise. He’s still yelling but there aren’t any words. Eddie feels bodies beside his as he starts to pumble the clown into dust.

They all are screaming and throwing punches and kicks and howling like it’s them who have just died.

The clown dies. They win.

It’s not worth it.

They have to leave his body as the house crumbles and Eddie is the only one to scramble to try and bring Bill with them. 

Richie shoves Bill’s body out of his arms and chokes, “He’s dead Eddie.”

Eddie lets Richie pull him through the distorting house and lets the silent tears trickle down his cheeks. He didn’t fix anything. It’s just as bad as before. He didn’t change anything.

He failed _again_. He killed Bill.

The losers stand and watch as a hole opens up and swallows the house. Nobody says anything. Everyone is crying.

Eddie can fix this. He just needs to start over. One more time.

“C’mon.” He says, linking hands with Richie, and guiding everyone back to the motel. They all move so numbly. Bev leans heavily onto Ben and sniffles on her tears. Ben pets her hair as they walk and doesn’t bother wiping at the snout dripping out of his nose. Mike’s sobs are audible the entire walk back.

Richie reaches out and clutches the back of Mike’s shirt, trying to ground the taller man, but Mike cries louder, hiding his face in his hands.

Eddie watches all of this and knows what he has to do.

He can fix this. But there’s only one way to do it.

He’s the first to stop crying. The tear trails on his face are dry and tacky by the time they get back to the motel. He holds the door open for everyone.

Beverly is the only one to meet his eyes. She looks devastated and worn thin. There’s a glint to her eyes that whispers _betrayal, it should have been you, you did this, all your fault._

He’s going to fix this. He just needs a little time.

“I’m going upstairs.” He mutters. Everyone else seems to agree and they all carefully trek up the stairs. Ben gently leads Beverly toward his room. He glances at Eddie, eyes sorrowful, before flickering over to Mike.

Someone needs to be with him. But Eddie can’t. Not with what he has to do.

Ben seems to understand this, and grasps Mike’s arm slowly. “Mike.” is all he says.

Mike goes with them and Ben’s door closes with no noise. Richie’s still holding his hand.

He’s going to fix this. _You’re braver than you think_. He will fix this.

He tugs Richie along to his room. Richie follows quietly, subdued. Eddie doesn’t want to leave Richie but he can’t do this if he’s not alone.

“Richie?”

The taller man looks up, through his clumpy eyelashes and cracked lens, kicked puppy dog and worse. Eddie cups his face, holding him for just a moment, soaks up the warmth, breathes in Richie.

“I’m going to fix this.”

He lets go and stares into the honey brown he never wants to leave. But he has to. 

Bill doesn’t deserve this. _No one does._

Eddie turns and heads to his bathroom. Richie makes a lost, hurt noise behind him but he can’t turn around.

Eddie closes the door. He opens the mirror shelf and takes out his pill bottle. Dumps all the pills into his palm. He turns the sink on. Cups a hand under the water. 

Drinks. 

Swallows.

Swallows.

Swallows.

He doesn’t bother turning the sink off again and carefully climbs into the tub.

Richie knocks on the door, voice muffled through the wood, but Eddie can’t hear him.

More knocking. The rush of water. Splashing onto the floor. Pills scattered on the ground. Mixing with blood.

He swallows one last time and closes his eyes.

Eddie dies to the beat of a fist against wood and an overflowing sink. He’s always been the best about taking his medication.

Eddie wakes up in a bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning(s): as usual gore/violence/blood, non-con ish sexual words, suicidal idealizations and a resulting overdose/death


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to shove this in a different direction than I expected. 
> 
> Also if you haven't seen the IT musical go watch it! It's funny and the cast is actually really good singers. I've watched the whole Britney Spears Melody part like sixteen times lol.
> 
> thanks again to everyone who's commented and left kudos!
> 
> trigger warning(s): Eddie loses it a bit in this chap., some negative language (check notes at the end for specifics), and the usual violence/gore

Eddie wakes up in a bed. He’s relieved for the first time to be here, at this shitty motel. He sits up and takes a moment to gather himself.

Okay, so that didn’t work. He has to do something else. Something sooner. Before they’re even in the sewers. He needs to gain the advantage.

Eddie rubs his face with an irritated grumble and stands up. He goes slowly into the bathroom, peaking around the doorway as if he’d see his own body still curled up in the tub. There’s no corpse or spilled pills. He sighs and steps fully into the bathroom.

He turns the sink on and cups some water in his hands. Splashing his face wakes him up enough for him to start processing things again.

Eddie takes a deep inhale and decides to list what he’s already tried.

Save Richie and not get impaled - Richie dies.

Tell Ben and Richie what was happening - watch Bill die.

Neither of them good outcomes.

But each had their own somewhat good parts too. The memory with Bill had done something, made him stronger, made Bill stronger. Remembering more the better, Eddie thinks, and sips some water out of his hands.

Eddie remembered a whole lot. Eddie could be powerful.

The leper. 

Eddie turned the sink off and stared into his reflection. A ghost stared back. His eyes blank and sunken in, dark bruise colored bags under his eyes, and pasty white skin. He grit his teeth and fought the urge to strike out and punch his own face.

Something shifts just behind his ear in the mirror and Eddie jerks around, gasping and pressing against the edge of the sink. Ben throws his hands up in a surprised gesture of peace.

“Ben!” Eddie scolds, voice volumes louder than he’d meant and two octaves higher than he’d like. “Don’t sneak up on people like that!” He continues screeching, letting some of his aggression out.

“Sorry, Eddie! I knocked!” Ben says, much less loud, and lowers his hands. “Mike’s making breakfast. I thought I’d let everybody know.”

Eddie opens his mouth to berate the taller man just a bit more. But someone slams into the wall in the bedroom. Ben jumps and whirls around. Eddie is right behind him.

Richie promptly bounces off the wall and rushes toward the bathroom. “Eddie?! Eddie? I heard him scream! What’s wrong?”

Ben forcibly relaxes and side steps so Eddie can see through the doorway. He crosses his arms and puts on his signature bitch face. “Nothing’s wrong, Rich.”

Richie’s gaze skitters to Ben’s eyes then Eddie’s face before he too relaxes. “Oh. Oh okay.”

“I’m fine. Ben decided to be an asshole and barge in here uninvited. Like someone else.” Eddie snipes, voice now lower and less high pitched. Ben gives him a kicked puppy dog look which makes Eddie’s stomach tighten with guilt. 

“Let’s just go eat breakfast.” He mumbles, slapping Ben’s back as he passes. He nudges Richie out of his way and stomps down the stairs. He hears Richie’s voice faintly as he makes his way down.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

As if Richie knew the half of it.

Eddie machinically eats Mike’s breakfast and stares at the oak table when he’s done, waiting for the stupid conversation about the club house. Sure enough, Mike clears his throat as everyone finishes eating.

“There’s somewhere I need you guys to see.”

Everyone trades doubtful looks with each other. Eddie feels Richie’s eyes burning into the side of his face and he growls in his chest. He slams his hands down on the table and shoves out of his chair.

Everyone jerks their attention to him. Mike’s eyes are wide and scared. Eddie inhales deeply

“Alright, Mikey. Let’s go.” He says.

Mike blinks in shock. Eddie rolls his shoulders and starts to head for the front door. Richie is quick to jog up beside him. Everyone else follows but slower.

Richie stares at the side of Eddie’s face more and Eddie feels himself boiling.

“What?!” He snaps, glancing at Richie and crossing his arms. Richie frowns at him and grabs one of his arms before he can finish the motion of crossing them across his chest. “Hey! What’re you-!”

“What’s wrong?”

Eddie stops. Eddie stares.

Richie stares back, eyes serious behind his giant glasses. Eddie swallows, the burn of humiliation crawls up his neck. 

“I’m fine. Let go.” He tries to pull his arm away from the taller man but Richie doesn’t let up. He steps even closer.

“Eddie.” He grits out, using his grasp on the smallers arm to tug him closer. Eddie flushes brighter and slaps a hand on Richie’s chest.

“I said quit it, Richie. I’m fine.”

“You’re lying. You’re ears are getting all red.”

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Eddie snarls. Richie’s serious expression turns worried and forlorn. 

“Eddie.”

Eddie tries to look anywhere but Richie’s face. His ears are on fire. The rest of the Losers are about to catch up to them.

“Richard.” He hisses, pushing Richie with the hand on his chest. “Let go.”

“I will once you tell me what’s going on.”

Eddie’s mind starts to fuzz over again. He shoves harder. Richie pulls him back. Eddie’s arm creaks and a distant thought of it popping off past his mind.

“Eddie, c’mon. You can tell me!” The rest of the group is just behind Richie. They all look confused at the commotion. “I know you want to!”

The words ring dangerously in Eddie’s head and decaying flesh and slippery tongues and fluids as black as blood. He screams wildly.

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”

He’s no longer worried about tearing his arm out of its socket and swings his free hand straight into Richie’s face. It makes a satisfying crunch and the pressure on his arm disappears. Once free Eddie lashes out against the other hands trying to grab him. He needs to run, to escape. Pennywise and Not-Richie are grabbing at him, pulling and tearing. He screams again.

“DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

He keeps screaming even as two thick arms wrap around his middle, trapping his wildly swinging arms to his sides, and lifts him effortlessly off the ground. He starts kicking and thrashing because he can’t die here, he can’t die again, he can’t.

Tears burst their way out of his eyes as he shrieks in rage and fear. The arms tighten. Someone’s mouth is just behind his ear.

“Eddie, _girly-boy_, Eds, _fairy_, Eddie Spaghetti.” 

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut and sinks his teeth into his lip to keep from audioably sobbing. He stops kicking and sinks into the tree trunk arms holding him.

“There you go, it’s alright, breath Eddie.” Ben says from right behind him. _What?_

Eddie eyes fly open and he realizes with sudden clarity that he isn’t in the basement of the pharmacy. There isn’t a leper trying to infect him. There isn’t Not-Richie trying to stick his hands down his pants. Eddie is looking up into a blue sky with soft white clouds floating along.

He sucks in a breath in shock and promptly chokes on it. He coughs and gags, idly noticing Ben setting him down. Eddie makes a break for it.

Ben’s shout of surprise is enough to make him feel a burst of pride at his acting. He pushes all his energy into running. He has to get somewhere safe. But where in this godforesaken hell hole was safe?

_Richie_ his mind offers.

Mike tackles him seconds after.

They hit the dirt with little sound. Eddie already breathless from his fake choking stunt and running, and Mike from hitting the ground so harshly.

Eddie wheeze from under Mike’s solid weight. He tries to shove the bigger man off of him but Mike goes boneless and squashes him further into the dirt.

“No!” Eddie shouts and slaps anywhere his hands can reach. Mike winces a couple of times before starting to rearrange. He grabs one of Eddie’s hands.

The touch is different that Richie’s earlier grab. It’s loose and gentle. Eddie jerks out of it quickly before his mind catches up. Mike grabs his hand again the same way. Eddie stops himself from pulling away again.

Mike slowly gets off of him, keeping the loose grip on Eddie’s hand, and says with little breath, “Jeez, Eds.”

Eddie’s heart rate is decreasing and his eyes are starting to focus on the blue sky and green treetops again. He can feel eyes on him and shudders, throat closing up.

“Is he-?” Someone starts to ask.

Eddie interrupts them by vomiting. 

If anything the worried chatter increases. Eddie tries to curl away from it all, the hands, the words, the world.

“ENOUGH!” Bev’s shout cuts through all else. Everyone freezes including Eddie. She huffs through her nose and kneels down beside Mike, gently taking his hand off of Eddie. “Everyone just breathe for a minute.”

Eddie sits up and does as instructed. He breaths in, holds it for three seconds, and releases it. He does this several more times before he meets Beverly’s eyes.

“Eddie.” She says softly, eyes worried but not pitying or disappointed. “You’re in Derry. We just had breakfast. We were walking somewhere.”

“The clubhouse.” Eddie says. Mike shifts beside him in surprise but doesn’t say anything.

Bev makes quick eye contact with Mike before looking back to Eddie. “Yes. You remember?”

“Yes.” Eddie whispers, dropping his gaze to his hands. There’s a faint trail of blood on one of his knuckles.

_Richie_.

“Richie!” Eddie jerks his head up and scans the Losers for the comedian. Richie is hunched over, one hand covering his nose and mouth, Bill by his side, mid helping Richie up.

“I think you broke my nose.” Richie slurs through his hand. Bill mutters something and tries to tug Richie’s hand away.

Eddie watches in horror as Richie’s hand comes away bloody. His face is worse.

There’s blood all over the lower part of the taller man’s face. It’s leaking out of his nostrils and down into his mouth. It drips slightly off his chin. Eddie feels like vomiting again. 

“Rich.” Eddie says, voice wavering, as he stands. He waves away Beverly and Mike’s hands. “I- I- I’m-”

Richie looks at him, blood already drying on his chin and lips, and his entire expression seems to soften. “Hey, hey, Eds. It’s alright.”

Something finally shakes loose in Eddie’s head and he burst into tears.

There’s several voices, all trying to comfort him as he blubbers and weeps all over himself, but only one bloody hand catches his attention.

Eddie quickly shoves the rest of the way into Richie’s arms. He sobs into the taller man’s chest, gripping the back of his t-shirt in a clawed hands. Richie drops his head onto the top of Eddie’s, his chest rumbling as he too offers comforting words.

Eventually the rest of the Losers curl their arms around the two and a group hug is initiated. Eddie soaks in the warm and seer amount of love flowing between all of them.

Eddie sniffles and pulls back. Everyone shifts and separates.

“I- uh. I’m sorry.”

Richie hums and keeps one arm wrapped around the smaller man’s shoulders. “You have to pay to make me pretty again if this doesn’t heal right.”

Eddie sniffles again but laughs. “No amount of money in the world could fix that face.”

The Losers huff on their own quiet laughter before the mood goes seldom again. 

“I am sorry, Rich. I didn’t mean- Well, I did but it wasn’t like- you were just holding on so tight and you said-”

“B-Breathe.” Bill reminds.

Eddie nods and takes a minute. “It all reminded me of...something. I just reacted. I’m sorry about your nose.”

Richie frowns. “No, Eds. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know.” Eddie cuts him off quickly and offers a weak smile instead. “I know you wouldn’t.”

Richie nods slowly and traces Eddie’s face with his hazel eyes. The silence stretches.

“How’d you know about the clubhouse?”

Everyone turns toward Mike.

“What?” Ben asks.

“Eddie said he knew we were headed to the clubhouse. But I never said that’s where we were going.”

Eddie pales a little. “I remembered. I was thinking about these woods and remembered.”

“Ben built it for all of us.” Bev says, dreamily as she too starts to remember. Everyone starts to nod off in the thrones of a memory. Eddie takes that moment to collect himself. 

That melt down had given him an idea.

The leper was beatable. Pennywise was beatable. With this knowledge Eddie would have the advantage, the element of surprise, the upper hand when he went into the basement. 

_all living things must abide by the laws they inhabit_

Eddie was going to kill that fucking clown with his bare hands.

The others come out of the memory and are quick to push Eddie’s melt down to the back of their minds. They all focus on finding the clubhouse. And so what if Richie stays a little closer than usual, he was probably worried about having hurting Eddie and Eddie himself was a bit worried about how he had hurt Richie.

Ben falls through the ground with barely a sound. He calls up, “Found it.”

Mike tells them about the tokens. Eddie sits and is pressed as close to Richie as he’s brave enough to. The taller man doesn’t seem to mind, leaning right back. Eddie’s body warms with excitement at the thought of finishing the fucking clown if this is what he got to come back to.

Everyone reluctantly separates to find their tokens. Richie hangs back.

He clears his throat and reaches out to Eddie before thinking better of it. “Hey wait a sec.”

Eddie stops, notices the dropped hand and feels guilt nibble at his guts. Richie inches closer.

“Are you okay, man? I mean, I know you’re freaked out, all of us are. But earlier-”

“Richie.” Eddie smiles, reaches out and pats his friend's chest. “I’m okay. Or I will be when we kill this fucking clown.”

Richie grins back. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right.”

Eddie hates to part but he’s got a job to do. And he plans on doing it.

“I’ll see you back at the town house, trashmouth.”

Richie grins wider. “Not if I see you first, Spaghetti.”

Eddie starts walking away and shouts over his shoulder, “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“That’s my brand baby!” is what’s shouted back.

Yeah, Eddie thinks, he’s excited to go back to that.

In the basement Eddie doesn’t bother to wait until the leper creeps out of the shadows. He lunges right into the darkness with his hands outstretched and doesn’t stop thrashing until he connects to something. He quickly slip feels his way to the lepers throat, not even bothering to worry about all the disgusting ooze and goo that coats his arms and hands.

He just squeezes. And squeezes. And squeezes.

The leper wheezes, his non-lips trembling with the effort of trying to draw breath, and weakly scratches at Eddie’s face. Eddie bares his teeth into a snarl and tightens his hold.

The clown is dying today. No matter what the leper infects him with.

He squeezes with his entire being and feels the thing beneath his hands fall still. It slumps in his hold and he only relaxes his grip slightly, hope brimming in his stomach.

Three sudden lights explode right in front of Eddie and he shouts in surprise, pulling his hands up to guard his eyes. The lights buzz for a moment, like a fly caught in an electrical trap, before dimming and flaking into ash.

Eddie watches in astonishment as the lights flicker and sway as they turn to dust and drop to the ground. He did it.

He _killed IT. He did it!_

Eddie lets out a whoop and jumps with a little spin. He grins at nothing in the dirty basement and rushes up the stairs. He flashes the woman in the corner by the door a blindingly pleased grin and throws the doors open.

He did it! He defeated it!

Oh, man wait until he told Richie, it’d be a hoot, _little Eddie Kaspbrak strangles killer clown. You’re braver than you think_ is right!

_Eat shit clown_, he imagines Richie saying in one of his stupid voices, as he grins down at Eddie, an arm thrown around his shoulders.

Eddie laughs brightly as he runs into the street. He wonders if this is how the Losers felt when they beat IT before. This blinding rush of glee, of pride, of-

A truck plows straight into Eddie. 

It shatters his bones and tears his flesh and smashes his skull in.

Eddie wakes up in a bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> negative language warning: the word fairy is used. Eddie envisions Pennywise saying it to him, not any of the losers.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: brief talk of a sex scene (nothing graphic), super brief homophobic language (one word, thats already been used in this story), and of course the usual blood/gore
> 
> i might have cried a little writing this for several reasons.

Eddie wakes up in a bed. He’s lost for a second, all previous traces of joy seeping out onto the crappy sheets of the motel bed. 

He had killed IT. This should be over. _Why was this still happening?!_

Eddie closes his eyes and lays still in the bed. A rush of wind and back to the bed. Something must have hit him, he reasons, but what he can’t remember. 

If only his mother had seen him then, running into the street with no regard for his own safety, without looking both ways, without holding anybodies hand.

She would have had a heart attack on the spot and died. Eddie snorts at the ironic thought. He rolls onto his side and opens his eyes to stare at the bland wall.

He had done it, he beat IT all by himself, and it _didn’t even matter._

Kill Pennywise himself - get hit by a truck.

Eddie adds to his list and hugs himself tightly. What else is he supposed do? If killing Pennywise hadn’t worked what would?

Someone knocks on his door and opens it slightly.

“Eddie?” Ben’s quiet voice trails in. Eddie grunts in response. Ben enters the room, leaving the door partially open behind him. “You awake, there buddy?”

He doesn’t say anything, just hugs himself tighter. Ben carefully sits down on the opposite side of the bed. They sit in silence.

“Do remember the night everybody insisted we sneak in and see that R rated movie?” Ben asks quietly, staying on his side of the bed. Eddie blinks and thinks about it.

A memory flashes over his eyelids.

Stan complaining loudly as Richie jumps in circle around him and Billy leading them all through the employe entrance to get into the movie theatre. Bev giggling excitedly and bumping between Mike and Ben like an overactive bee. Eddie trails behind them all, feeling guilty and heavy. Ben glances back at him with a smile and notices his aura. He carefully breaks away from Bev and Mike to keep pace with the smaller boy.

“You okay, Eddie?” A younger Ben asks in the same gentle tone. Younger Eddie looks up from his shoes and bites his lip.

“Richie says this movie has....you know.”

Ben’s face scrunches in confusion. Eddie blushes red hot and blurts the words quickly. “A sex scene! Naked breasts!”

Ben’s confused face morphs into an understanding face. “Yeah. I heard him say that too.”

Eddie shuffles but makes sure not to touch the strange velvet wall. “You’re not...scared?”

Ben bumps his shoulder into the smaller boys softly. Eddie looks to him again.

“It’ll be weird for sure, but it doesn’t have to be scary.”

Eddie snorts. “Oh, it will be. I know I joke with Rich but I’ve never...I’ve never _seen_ anything.”

Ben blinks, obviously a little surprised. Eddie looks away from him. “Ah.”

“Yeah.” Younger Eddie mumbles, face and ears hot with embaressment.

“Eddie?” Ben whispers, “I don’t think Richie has seen anything either. I haven’t.”

The smaller boy glances up again, catching Ben’s sincere eyes. “Really?”

“Really.”

The two share a smile before Richie’s annoying high pitched voice breaks them apart.

“Oh shit.” The Eddie of here and now says, sitting up. Ben watches but still doesn’t move. “Oh shit” Eddie chuckles. “Do you remember when that part played?”

“You puked.” Ben offers, voice deadpan but he’s smiling. Eddie laughs again.

“Oh shit! I did!” Eddie hides his face in his hands to muffle his laughter. “Oh man, thank god you took me to the bathroom. Rich would’ve had a field day with that.”

Ben hums and turns to fully face Eddie. “That’s not why I did it.”

Eddie sniffs and pulls his hands away, “What?”

“I did it because...I was scared too. I still am. I have to skip any sex scenes on TV.”

Eddie blinks and soaks this in. “I- I do that too actually. I never noticed until you…”

Ben smiles but it’s self deprecating. Eddie scoots closer so they’re leaning on each other. “We had a shitty childhood huh?”

Ben hums his agreement and rests his head atop Eddie’s. “I think it’s because...Because I could never see myself doing- doing that.”

Eddie pulls one of Ben’s hands into his lap and traces the other man’s wrinkles and calluses. Ben relaxes with each touch. “I could never see myself doing that with-” Eddie chokes off with the sudden spike of static fear.

Ben lets him take his time to say what he needs to, rocking back and forth, bumping Eddie with each rock in a weird sign of comfort and comradiary.

“I could never do that with a woman.” Eddie whispers against the static and Ben’s shoulder.

The silence pushes Eddie down and the static wave captures his mind. Whatever Ben tries to say in response is lost as Eddie is submerged in fear.

Expect fear isn’t the right word. It’s something similar, it’s just as strong, something that is hot and burning. Self loathing. Hatred. Bile. _Sick_.

Eddie distangles himself from Ben, mind blank but that one word repeating. Ben says something else, his voice thick with concern as he let’s Eddie move away.

“Mike’s making something, pancakes I hope, if he doesn’t burn this place down. Although with the fucking clown I wouldn’t be opposed to that either.” Richie’s voice pops the bubble of static in Eddie’s mind. He and Ben jerk their heads up to the taller man in the doorway.

“What the fuck are you guys doing? Ben did you sleep in here?” Richie continues, eyes bugging out behind his glasses. Ben opens his mouth, already shaking his head no, but Eddie cuts him off.

“We’re not fucking fairies Rich.” He snaps. Another voice whispers the word in his head but he shoves it away and stands up. “Try knocking for once in your goddamn life.”

Eddie quickly walks past Richie hurt face and stomps down the stairs. 

“What crawled up his ass and died?” Richie asks Ben from the hallway. Eddie grits his teeth and does this all over again. 

Mike makes breakfast. Mike leads them through the woods to the clubhouse. Ben falls through the trapdoor. Richie does a shitty Pennywise impression. Mike tells them about the tokens.

Eddie’s mostly blanked out at this point but jerks to awareness when Ben pats his shoulder before offering a smile and wandering off to get his token.

He tries to smile back but it probably looks more like a wince. He eyes the rest of the Losers as they slowly depart as well. Alls that’s left is him and Richie.

“I’m going with you.” Eddie claims suddenly. Richie makes a face.

“Didn’t Mike say-”

“Fuck what Mike said. I know how this goes. And I’m doing it my way. Let’s go.”

“Eddie? Eds? Hey! Wait up! What do you mean you know? Eddie!” Richie shouts and jogs off after the shorter man.

“I just know this ends bad okay? Trust me.” He responds and keeps the quick pace toward town. Richie grabs his arm to stop him.

“Of course I trust you, Eds. But what if just going together messed up the ritual or something? I really don’t want to be responsible for fucking over this shitty town even if it’s a shitty town.”

Eddie stops and turns to face his friend. “The ritual won’t work so it doesn’t matter if I come with you.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do! Do you want me to go with you or not asshole?”

Richie frowns seriously, Eddie stands firm. Eventually the taller man sighs and offers his arm. “Fine, shortstack. You can come with me.” Eddie crosses his arms and glares at Richie’s offered arm, unimpressed.

“I’ll protect yah I say I’ll fight that no good dirt kissing clown.” Richie drawls, leaning into Eddie’s space with a wicked grin. Eddie eyes him but gauffs before tucking his arm through Richie’s.

“That’s such a shitty southern accent.”

“Like you can do any better, Spaghetti!” 

Richie keeps his hands in his pockets, effectively trapping Eddie’s arm to his side, but Eddie can’t find it in himself to be bothered.

It’s warm.

Richie leads them around town, looking as lost as his feet are. Eddie huffs under his breath, annoyed and stressed. He’s knows where his token is but he’s had the same location each time so maybe he should cut Richie some slack, it’s not as if it’s his third time figthing a fucking space clown. Or had it been four times?

Eddie struggles to remember but quickly drops the subject when Richie stops in front of the abandoned arcade. There was dust all over the windows, making them impossible to look through. Richie glances at Eddie with hesitation and a touch of fear.

Eddie eyes the building. “Man, I remember this place. Any free time you had you were here. It was...It was street fighter, wasn’t it? The one you played all the time?”

Richie blinks, face going blank as he appears to remember this too, before he grins a real grin.

“Oh shit! I forgot about that. That’s probably why I have one of those machines in my house.”

“You have streetfighter in your house?” Eddie asks, amused and soaking in all of Richie’s goofy light heartedness before the storm. 

“Of course, I’m fucking rich, man and it’s cool! I’ll bet you don’t have anything cool like that in your house!”

Eddie rolls his eyes. He thinks about his house. His and Myra’s house. There’s nothing cool there at all. Even their TV is several years old. There’s no laptop or craft room. Their bedroom, their dining room, their living room. All of it is theirs. The entire house. Not a single cool thing.

Richie must pick up on his negative thoughts because he clears his throat and shrugs sheepishly. “What are the odds the doors are unlocked?”

“Zero,” Eddie says grateful for the change of topic. Richie tries to open the doors anyway. They don’t budge. Richie makes a sour face and bends to pick up a rock nearby. “Richie.”

Richie pays his smaller friend no mind and hurls the rock through one of the glass sections of the front doors. It easily sails through, shattering the glass, and landing with a thud inside the arcade.

Eddie flinches at the sound, going to cover his ears, when Richie turns and grins maniacally at him.

“That was fun. Let’s do that to all of the windows in Derry.”

Eddie grits his teeth together and lowers his hands. “You’re lucky nobody’s around dipshit. I wouldn’t have bailed you out if someone called the cops.”

“Yeah, right. If a cop came you’d get hauled away with me. I’ll tell him it was your idea.”

“Richie!”

The taller man laughs at his friends outrage before tugging his hand into his jacket sleeve and nudging some leftover glass shards away from the door handle. He reaches through the broken glass and unlocks the front doors of the arcade. He makes a big show of shaking his hand out and pulling the door open.

“Ladies first.”

Eddie resists the urge to snarl at Richie as he passes him to enter the arcade. “Wisdom before assholery.”

“That’s not how that saying goes!” Richie squawks back.

Eddie tips his face away, hiding a smile, as he takes the place in. It’s honestly disgusting, it makes sense that Richie was drawn to here, dust and spiderwebs everywhere. Some of the games are busted or graffitied. Eddie slowly wonders to the far side toward the coin machine, taking it all in.

“Wow…” Richie mumbles, sounding breathless. “This place looks like shit.”

“It used to be more colorful I think. Now it’s just. Ugh.” Eddie exclaims and shakes a clump of spider webs off his arm. “Fucking disgusting. Why’re we here Richie? Couldn’t you have picked somewhere less…”

“Abandoned?” Richie offers, eyes scrunching in the angry sort of way he did as a child, “It’s not like I can remember why it’s this place, I just know it is alright.”

Eddie frowns but doesn’t further complain. He waits for Richie to have the flashback memory and prepares to fight whatever Pennywise shaped fear Richie’s child mind conjures. Richie stares down at the dust covered Street Fighter Game and his gaze goes blank as he remembers.

Eddie uncrossed his arms and starts looking around. He knows he can kill IT with his bare hands. He just needs to grab IT before IT can get to Richie.

Richie makes an ugly gasp that grabs all of Eddie’s attention.

“Rich?” He slowly approaches the still man. He places his hand on Richie’s shoulder. “Richie?”

Richie seems to snap back to himself the second Eddie touched him. He whips his head to look at Eddie, seer fear in his eyes.

“Rich-”

The taller man jerks away from Eddie, almost unbalancing himself in the process. Eddie gaps, his hand hanging between them. Richie blinks, guilt written all over his face before it morph into anger.

“Don’t touch me.” He snaps and shakily walks over to the coin machine. Eddie watches, shock holding him still. 

“What did you remember?” Eddie asks quietly, dreading the answer.

“None of your fucking buissness. There.” Richie smacks the machine and an arcade token drops out of it. “Got my fucking token, let’s go.”

“Rich. You can talk to me. Richie!” Eddie’s the one to shout after Richie this time. He dodges the hanging spiderwebs and follows the taller man outside. “I know it was probably something you didn’t want to remember but-”

“No! No, I didn’t want to fucking remember Eddie! I wish I never remembered any of this shit!” Richie whirls around to face him, spitting with venom Eddie doesn’t remember Richie ever having.

“That’s not true.” Eddie states, taking a step closer. “You’re glad to remember the Losers. Stan, Bill, Bev.” He stops once he and Richie are about three inches apart. “Me.”

Richie stares down at him, faced pained and sorrowful for a split second, before he’s snarling again. “I wish I never remembered any of it. Especially _you_.”

Eddie flinches back. “What?” He asks brokenly then swallows back the tears and tries again, “Richie, you don’t mean that. You’re just- just upset at what you saw. It’s okay to be- be scared of it.”

Richie has calmed down enough to stop yelling but his words said calmly hurt worse. “What the fuck do you know. You don’t know shit about me. None of the others do either. It’d have been better if we never came back here.” He turns to walk away.

“Richard Trashmouth Tozier, you do not get to say that to me!” Eddie hisses, grabbing the taller man’s arm and pulling his back. “I’ve known you my whole life, even if I wasn’t right beside you.”

Richie swings back around, looking ready to start yelling again, but Eddie jerks his arm closer and keeps hissing out, “You’re my best friend and I never want to forget you again! You’re one of the only reasons I didn’t jump in front of traffic the first week I moved out of Derry! Any time I saw glasses I thought of you even if I didn’t remember!” 

He shouts into Richie’s face. “I watched all your specials sixty times over because they were familiar and I never felt more like myself than I did when I was watching them!” 

Richie’s angry express melts into one of surprised awe. Eddie ignores the flush on the tips of his ears and relaxes his grip on Richie’s arm.

“Richie, I hate this fucking town too, but I never want to forget you again. It might just kill me.” He finishes softly, dropping his eyes to the ground.

He doesn’t expect Richie to pull him closer and wrap his arms around him tightly. Eddie wheezes but quickly clings to the back of Richie’s jacket. Richie ducks his head and hides his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck and shoulder.

It feels like he’s crying. Eddie’s own eyes start to water back up. “Richie, please. Please, you can’t forget about me. Not you.”

“I won’t. I swear, I’ll never forget you again, Eds.” Richie whispers, hot and wet, against his cheek. Eddie sobs in relief and pushes himself impossibly closer into Richie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Eddie nods into Richie’s chest and curls his fingers tighter. “I know.”

They stay curled together for a long amount of time, probably more than what’s acceptable as friends, but Eddie doesn’t care. He’s finally tucked into Richie’s warmth, something he’s dreamed of for so long, that he just soaks it all in.

Richie eventually pulls away, but doesn’t remove his hands from where they are cradling Eddie’s elbows. Eddie keeps his hands on Richie’s sides in response.

“Eddie, I uh. I remember that I’m gay.”

Eddie blinks once, twice. The words spill out of his mouth unprompted.

“You forgot that?”

Richie huffs, like he’s offended, before a smile breaks out. Eddie can’t help but smile back. Sooner their laughing and leaning against each other to catch their breath.

“Hey, Rich? Want to know what I remember?”

Richie pulls back to look at his face. “What?”

“I fucked your mom.”

Richie’s mouth drops open before he’s howling with laughter.

“Oh, oh _shit_, Eddie Spaghetti gets off a good one!”

Eddie grins and feels better than he’s ever felt in his entire life. Maybe that’s all he needs. Richie beside him, laughing and smiling.

“Eds?” Richie asks, after he stops laughing and they start walking toward the other side of town.

“Yeah?”

“I fucked your mom too.”

Eddie grins at the ground and feels Richie’s own blinding smile aimed at him. Even if none of this works, this feels right.

This feels like home.

Eddie skips out on getting his token this time, alreadying knowing it won’t do jack shit, and hopes Mike can forgive him. He still has the fake inhaler from New York with him, maybe that would work in a pinch. He and Richie walk back to the hotel, hands dangling and brushing against each other. Eddie feels like his face is on fire but he can’t stop grinning.

Richie is right here and he remembers and Eddie knows and they can beat the fucking clown together.

They enter the hotel and spot Bev and Ben seemingly arguing by the bottom of the steps. Eddie blinks in surprise. He’s never been back early enough to see this. 

“You can tell me.” Bev says, earnest and gentle, one hand resting over Ben’s heart. The other man shakes his head but doesn’t pull away.

Richie clears his throat and both of them jump and turn to look at them. “Uh, hey.”

Ben makes brief eye contact with Eddie before dropping his gaze to the floor. “Hey guys. Did you get your tokens?”

Richie nods, wraps an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, and steers them forward. He stops right in front of the other two Losers. “Yeah.” He holds up the arcade token. “You guys?”

Ben just nods but Bev holds out a worn down postcard. Eddie carefully takes it from her hands and reads it out loud. “Your hair is winter fire. January embers. My heart burns there too.”

The silence after the last word hangs heavily between all of them. “What the fuck does that mean?” Richie asks, dropping his arm to take the postcard from Eddie.

“So it’s not either of you.” Bev says, sounding oddly relieved. Ben looks frantic and guilty all at once. Eddie is hit with the memory of this morning. Ben and remembering their talk about sex scenes.

He stares at Ben, trying to will the other man some courage, but Ben shakes his head when he meets Eddie’s gaze and continues not admitting that he’s the poet. Bev and Richie are arguing about something now.

“Alright enough!” Eddie cuts them both off. They all look at him. “We need to get weapons. I’m not fighting this fucking clown empty handed.”

“Do you think a gun would work on him?” Richie asks dumbly. Eddie wants so desperately to roll his eyes but he knows the truth. So instead he shrugs and says.

“If you believe it does.”

Everyone chats about their weapon of choice. Richie wants to go out and buy a baseball bat. Eddie thinks it’s just because he’s remembered the first time they fought IT. The bat had been handy. So Eddie agrees to go with Richie to purchase it.

He trails up the stairs of the hotel after the taller man. Richie had left his wallet in his pants that he wore the night before like an idiot.

Richie mumbled under his breath jokes about baseball or maybe just balls but Eddie couldn’t find himself to pay it any attention. He was busy admiring how the setting sun lit up Richie’s curls and made them a faint amber color.

Richie enters his room, rustles through a pile of dirty clothes on the floor, which Eddie does his best to ignore, and tugs out his wallet.

“Ta-da!” Richie waves it like a trophy before heading back toward the stairs. “There’s gotta be some kind of sports store in Derry isn’t there?”

Eddie hums, thinking over his answer, when something shifts out of the corner of his eye. Something wearing dull blue. 

_Bowers_, Eddie remembers too late, as the larger man lunges forward knife in hand. He’s going after Richie. But to do that he has to pass Eddie. And that enough space for him to do something. Time melts as he starts to move.

Eddie jerks his body in front of Richie and kicks out once he knows he’s effectively blocked the older bully. Richie makes a quiet shocked noise and time speeds back up.

Henry’s knife misses his cheek this time around.

Instead in sinks itself into the side of Eddie’s throat.

He gargles out in pain but lands his kick in Henry’s stomach, knocking the larger man away from himself and Richie. His hands come up to uselessly cradle the knife hanging off his neck. Richie’s arms somehow end up under Eddie’s armpits as he slumps to the floor.

Richie’s yelling something too, maybe warning Ben and Bev, or swearing out Bowers, Eddie doesn’t know. Blood is building in the back of his throat and he knows how this ends.

He tries to comfort Richie. “Ri-Ric-” He coughs and red spills out of his mouth. “Chee.”

The taller man curls closer, eyes wide and wet, as he shakily pets Eddie’s hair. “You’re gonna be okay, Eds. It’s gonna be okay.” Tears slip down his cheeks.

“You kn-know I hate it when you...you-” He chokes on blood and his eyes roll up into his head. Richie screams. He loses the train of thought and then there’s nothing.

Eddie dies with Henry Bower’s knife plunged into his neck, leaking fresh blood down the stairs, stuck on the final image of his best friend encapsulated in sunlight glow as he cries ugly fat tears.

Eddie wakes up in a bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a long wait but updates are killing me. i must confess that ive lost motivation to finish this but i think its just because its exam time and winter depression is kicking my ass. hopefully it'll get better once break happens but we'll see i guess. i really want to finish this work and i want to thank everyone again who've supported this story and me by commenting/leaving kudos. ya'll are so sweet and i appreciate everyone of you.


	6. ANNOUNCEMENT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to say that I'm not going to finish this :( I'm burnt out on the IT fandom and don't have the motivation to finish this. But fear not! I thought posting my outline for this fic might give some kind of closure as to where to story was going to go and such.
> 
> Sorry again for not fully finishing this piece. Thank you so much to everyone who stuck with it this far, and supported me with comments and kudos and bookmarks. Y'all are wonderful and inspire me to keep doing what makes me happy, so a thousand thank yous <3

Chap1 Intro, basically follow movie plot

Chap2 Richie dies horribly, implied that the other losers die too

Chap3 Eddie is haunted with his failure and tries to fix it, he remembers how close he was to Bill, yells at Pennywise when he first shows up, Bill dies, Eddie swallows a bunch of pills

Chap4 Eddie has a breakdown/flashback to Zombie Richie, punches real Richie, subtle gay feelings between R + E, Eddie decides to kill the leper and ends up strangling Pennywise to death. He runs out into the street and gets hit by a truck.

Chap 5 Eddie is more traumatized and crazed thinking, doesn’t want to fail again, thinks about ways to stop It earlier, more subtle gay feelings with R + E, Eddie goes with Richie to get his token and realizes Richie is gay, Henry attacks them back at the motel, Eddie gets a knife to the throat.

Chap6 Eddie knows that Richie is gay, doesn’t know if Richie loves him back, doesn’t repeat his last attempt of going with to get the token, tourtures himself with whatifs etc, and dies several times within this chap (go crazy!) / Eddie takes the time to help each loser remember something important, dies several times throughout, trial and error type, Eddie coming to terms with himself and his sexuallity

Chap7 Eddie is tried of failing/dying and isn’t scared to go after what he wants, thinks there is no consequence for his actions since he keeps reliving the same day, so he kisses Richie after the braver than you think line, they fight Pennywise, Eddie gets stabbed, basically same to first chap/movie plot except Eddie doesn’t die, they carry him out of the house (unknown to the reader until next chap) and take him to the hospital

Chap8 Eddie wakes up in the hospital, mental breakdown of not being in loop anymore/thinking it’s Pennywise/a trick, Richie kisses him, admits that he’s loved Eddie since the summer they defeated It as kids, flashback to kid reddie scene(s?), ADD MORE HERE, Richie shows Eddie the R+E craving, Eddie cries and points out a heart with an R in the middle

Flashforward? Bev and Ben marriage, Mike as ring bearer and he cries as he walks the rings to them, finally happy and living his life.

NOTES: Eddie vomits in every chap so far (lol) and there’s always a group hug of some kind


End file.
